My heart is so full of gratitude as I look back on the past seven days. No doubt they’ve been the most difficult seven days of my life. The first day I held my precious husband’s hand as our souls disconnected, and he walked into eternity. The days following are a blur, but on this breezy Sunday afternoon I have, in the depths of my being, the peace that surpasses all understanding. That doesn’t mean I don’t get hit by waves of grief that almost knock me off my feet. There is absolutely nothing as jarring to your spirit as looking at the person you love with all your heart lying in a coffin. How does one do that without searing pain? And then, how is it possible that I can have perfect peace in my heart today? Grief will still be, but In the overarching scheme of things, I’m experiencing a beautiful confidence that the Lord is holding me and that He is at the same time fellowshipping with my husband. It’s a wonderful feeling. I am thankful.
Life is both a mystery and a stark reality at the same time; a curious dichotomy. I have been present at births as well as at deaths. Both experiences open one’s eyes to the magnificence of our God. He breathes breath into a body and He stops the beating heart, snuffing out breath. It’s His sovereign decisions that cause us to celebrate one day and another day to mourn. …”all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:16 The power is all His; the plan His as well.
At times my grief turns into a bit of envy. I realize that my husband is in the Presence of God; he’s enjoying laughter with family and friends he’s missed. He has no more pain, no more worries, stressors or sickness. I’m here missing him, wondering what comes next, dealing with unresolved bills, situations and responsibilities. My humanness bleeds over onto my joy that he is in heaven.
As I seek the Lord, laying all my concerns and questions at His feet, I sense that calming, peaceful Existence taking hold of my mind and body. I know without any doubt that He is with me, loving me, holding me and reassuring me that He will never leave me or forsake me. He knows what is facing me and He’s already there. Each day will find its own resolutions as He sorts things out. All I have to do is trust and obey. And to know Him. Knowing Him means knowing it’s all covered…perfectly.
The day will come when my breath will be snuffed out, my heartbeat stopped. I will have the joy of walking into the arms of Jesus, greeted by family and friends. What I endured on earth will not matter at all. All that will matter is being in the Presence of the One Who controls it all. And experiencing His love and grace. When grief tries to derail me, I am determined to take hold of His promises and hang on tight. The alternative would be pointless and pitiful. “I can do all things through Christ Who gives me strength.” And I am eternally grateful for the strength and hope and courage He is pouring into me.
Thank you for your prayers and love during this season of my life.