Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do
God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised. Hebrews 10:36
Greetings from Caregiver Land,
I haven’t been posting much because I’ve been so sleep deprived there’s no telling what might come forth. Anybody out there relate? I really appreciate the emails and other messages I’ve received filling me with encouragement and support. And from those who are in the same boat—we need each other! I know people are praying for us, and for me specifically. At times I’m teetering on the brink of despair and suddenly I’m flooded with peace and calm. So….thank you folks, and thank you Lord!
When you’re slogging through the mire of grief and survival, you are tempted toward self-pity; just being honest here. I’ve asked God, “Why is it that you chose this path for my husband, and why did you feel it was a good path for me?” It’s so easy to say that we grow through our trials. It’s common to hear all the cliches about how we learn so much through suffering. And I agree. We do. But, at 3 a.m. when I’m jolted awake for the fourth time since I went to bed at 10, to find him on the floor once again, I frankly don’t care what I’m supposed to be learning. I just wish he could sleep all night occasionally, and oh, how I would love to do that too. I trudge downstairs, wake up my daughter, who comes without complaint, and together we heave him off the floor, clean him up, and eventually all of us get back to bed…at least for a couple of hours, till he wakes again.
Usually, the days I’m feeling sorry for myself, I open up facebook and see a handful (at least) of horrible stories of people who are going through so much worse than I. I repent, and realize I do have more compassion now for those folks than ever before. Don’t get me wrong. I think we (you who are walking through similar circumstances with me) are really normal and okay when we sometimes stop to vent or cry or whine. We are human. We just can’t plant the flag and live there. I know one thing from all this: I have a new and deeper appreciation for sleep and for “normal” daily life.
As we move through this journey, we are blessed to have hospice staff who offer support and insights toward the things to come. As Christians, we know that this world is not our home and the eternal home to come is going to be indescribable. I am excited that my husband soon gets to meet Jesus face to face, be reunited with his loved ones, and begin his eternal life of joy. I’m a bit envious, in fact. I know that my time will come eventually, but I want his crossing over to that other side to be pain-free, peaceful and all that God wants it to be. I don’t want to interfere with that by being selfish, complaining or without loving compassion. I don’t want to have regrets.
We really should celebrate any Christian’s homegoing with joy and excitement for what’s coming for them. We are allowed to grieve as we say our temporary goodbyes, but I’m praying that in the midst of my pain, I can truly rejoice for him. I’m not really all that strong. Most days I wonder how I will ever get through this, much less do it well. The answer is that I know my Lord will carry me, strengthen me and sustain me all the way through, just as He is doing now, day by day. I constantly recite Phil 4:13: “I can do all things through Christ, Who gives me strength.” And I can! One day at a time. One hour at a time.
“For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what was promised.” Hebrews 10:36